I think I am out of practice in socializing.
It’s become increasingly clear to me how uncomfortable I am with things that I would’ve loved months ago. In my state, we’ve lightened up on some COVID restrictions. Our work office is kind of open, we’ve had groups of people over, we eat out at restaurants occasionally. Life is looking more normal than it did in the height of quarantine.
Usually, I would be ecstatic about this. I am borderline introvert/extrovert, but I love entertaining and connecting. What I’ve seen happen in myself is not what I would usually expect. I think there is a lot of reasons for this.
Quarantine didn’t bring about a lot of time for self reflection that I had hoped for.
I had really wanted to use the time to reflect, become more aware, become enlightened. I instead usually shied away from it and was just in survival mode. Self reflection (especially without community) is really hard. I don’t like to admit how much I need people around to truly know myself, but it’s true. I need others to bounce ideas off, to process with. Quarantine stripped a lot of that away.
Pregnancy is the opposite of a social lubricant.
At nine months pregnant, I pretty much dread going out. It’s not because I’m so physically uncomfortable (most of the time, sharing a body is no joke) it’s usually because I hate how much attention I get. Pregnancy, at this stage in the game, is just about the only thing that I talk about with people. It’s the most obvious thing about me. I get asked my due date at least 3 times a day. I’m asked the name and gender and if I’m excited. I don’t blame anyone for asking those questions, I’m sure I’ve asked a lot of pregnant people the same ones. I am seeing myself shrink away from other because of how uncomfortable it makes me feel to only be seen as a baby vessel.
Connection is a struggle.
I have learned through the years that my extroversion is picky. For me to be filled up by others I need depth. I need to connect in a real way and to talk about real problems, feelings, and laugh real laughs. Sometimes that is a hard thing to come by. So when you are asked to stay and home, only connect to others virtually and you are pregnant, connection and depth is truly a rare luxury. My tank has been running on E for a long time now and I am afraid that having a baby won’t make it any easier.
Where do I turn to now?
The Coronavirus world that we live in isn’t looking to leave any time soon, so where are we supposed to turn to now? I know and trust that God is doing something beyond our imaginings, but where can I be intentional now to find the things that I need? How do I practice social skills again in this new reality?
Hopefully I’m not the only one struggling with people and when we can all meet face to face again, we will all be out of practice together.